Phone interview for a temporary customer service job, just through the holidays.

Yay?

I am so nervous. I am not usually nervous for interviews, I am great at talking and pretty much know what they want to hear. Is is just because I haven't worked in five months?

Getting a job might really motivate me. It also creates a schedule in my days, that will help with eating.

My partner and I are focused on working out this week, three times, Tue, Wed and Fri. Even though Thanksgiving is this week, we want to stay healthy. We will both feel better if we set this little goal and then accomplish it.  It has also been very gray and rainy here, so we haven't even been walking much, and we need the workout. Keep away the S.A.D.

Holding on to gains (loses)

I weighed in this morning.

228!

That means despite these last three weeks of terrible eating, I didn't even gain back all the weight I lost. I kept some of it off, only 2 pounds. But I am still really happy with that result. I have been getting back into the habit of counting calories, even the "bad" calories, or foods I splurged on. I will post a few days  of what eating and counting calories looks like after the weekend.

I also have a goal of doing one job application today. Just one. Baby steps.

 Applying for jobs has been causing me a ton of anxiety. I am not sure what I am scared of. I mean, I know a few things I am scared of, but they didn't use to cause me so much anxiety, and was much easier to overcome. I don't like meeting new people in this fat body. I am scared of going in for interviews and not getting the job, scared of how tired I will be working full time again. I am scared of getting a job and not knowing what the hell I am doing! Being home all the time has just caused these fears to get worse and worse. This has contributed to my bad eating, and my bad eating makes me get even more anxious and mad at myself.

So, just one job application today. Got get back into it. Bleck!

Great Inspiration for the Holidays

I have been reading other weight loss blogs for inspiration.

Fit the Finish is a great blog, I really respect Diane Carbonell, she is a busy mom who had been overweight for a very long time. She managed to lose the weight in a healthy way. She has also kept it off since 1998.

She wrote a good post about making the most of the rest of the year. Instead of being afraid and stressed out about the coming holiday (which I am already, about family issues and food issues)  she encourages you to go into the season with goals and a plan.

Here is the post: http://www.fittothefinish.com/blog/2012/11/the-next-60-days-can-be-amazing/

Emotional eating

I really didn't think that emotional eating was a problem for me. I knew that I did eat when I was emotional. But I thought that it was totally under my control and I could stop whenever I wanted. Turns out this is more of an issue than I had thought it was. That is why I put those six pounds right back on, and then avoided blogging because I was embarrassed. When I am emotional I want to eat food that tastes good, not always junk food. I also lose the willpower to cook. That is a big one. If I can find the resolve to cook something that will satisfy me, it is often healthier than what I might buy. I gave up counting calories the last few weeks as well, and quit weighing myself, since I knew I bounced right back up to 230 like I always do.

So.

I think I am doing better. Talking about it in a way that is supportive and creative helps. Usually my inner critic gets very loud, and then I feel worse, and want to eat more. I also start the cycle where I have a bad day, so the next day doesn't matter, and I don't work out or eat well. Instead of beating myself up I need to remember that every healthy meal or workout does count. I can build on those good experiences.

My kitchen has been super messy, my partner and I finally have all the dishes done. But the fridge is empty. So for the me the first step is buying some healthy food that I know I like. The other goal is to start counting calories again, even if I am way over my goal.

haven't posted in a while

totally overwhelmed
struggling with some relationship and job things, so my diet sort of faded away

I am not happy with this situation, I will refocus. It is hard to face this blog, I don't feel like coaching myself or even being nice to myself at all.

I won't give up though.

Second week

Results: 223!

I didn't lose any weight this week. I am okay with that. I had family stuff that involved less than healthy food on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Monday and Tuesday I was an emotional wreck. Sometimes not having a job just catches up with me and I have a few days that feel like a huge struggle, I get really down.

I am feeling better now. I have gotten a lot done this morning already.

I am going to be okay with breaking even. Especially since my first week was so big, I am still on track for my 20 pounds by Thanksgiving goal.

I need to figure out what to do at family functions, there are going to be a lot of them coming up. On Saturday I just got one plate of food, I avoided the dishes that were obviously really bad for me. But three of them in a row just threw me off. My sister often eats an apple or some snack, and drinks a glass of water, before going out to eat with friends. It helps her make better decisions and feel full sooner, so the food isn't so tempting. I can try that. I just have to focus on eating what I need to eat. I don't have to try everything. I don't think anyone will think I am being rude, which happens in some people's family. Just got to keep learning.

Tonight my plan is to make a big salad, and to clean out the fridge. This often makes me feel like I am set up again to do well.

First week weigh in

First week on my short term goal, actually counting all the calories and weighing in. I want to lose 20 pounds by Thanksgiving.

Results! 223! 

I lost 6 pounds. That is probably too much weight loss in one week. But I am okay with it to start with. I am also taking it with a grain of salt, since my weight loss will probably slow down some.

Yay!

My reaction to rich food

My partner bought chantarelle mushrooms at the farmer's market. There are a ton of recipes that are healthy featuring this mushroom. But no, he had to have a cream sauce. So I made it for him. We had chanterelles with prawns and one scallop each, with a white wine, sherry, cream sauce over the top (I used half and half, not cream). The sauce was rich. Oh yeah! and there was a sprinkle of cheese on top too.

The sauce was odd I thought, it turned out too sweet and tangy. It had sherry in it, though I bought a very dry sherry. It also had lemon juice. I think it was supposed to be sweet and tangy and sort of herby. Since we are used to really rich and cheesy Alfredo's here in America it was odd to our pallet. 

So my prawns and one scallop were perfectly done. The mushrooms were sauteed and perfect. But by the end of my meal I was a little grossed out, it was too rich. I've been eating better and wow, I guess it does make a difference. Part of it might be that I had a glass of wine while cooking, and one with dinner, after not eating much today too.

Anyways. I went over my calories on butter, half and half and olive oil to make all the dinner components. But really, I don't think I did by a lot. I ate a tiny breakfast and lunch.

Point? It was worth it to make something new and exciting for my partner.  So I am a little disappointed I went over my calories for something that didn't turn out very well.

Man those mushrooms were delicious though!

And. 
Tomorrow is week one weigh in. I have been cheating and weighing in over the course of the week. I have hope that I lost weight this week and am on track! Let's see if this sauce sticks and tomorrow morning I didn't lose as much as I wanted though.

Keep your hands busy

I have been really successful these past few days at my diet (my diet being I eat fewer calories.) I think a big part of this success is that not only am I trying to think about food less, I am thinking about other little things more. I am unemployed so I spend a lot of time at home by myself. I used to eat whenever I was hungry, or even thought I was hungry. This made it easy to overeat. But I am planning a little party at my house this coming weekend. This party is a crafting party, we are making Christmas tree ornaments. I wanted to make sure the party goes smoothly so I have been doing a lot of prep work. This weekend my partner and I spray painted pine cones. Tonight I took seven odd sized ones that weren't so pretty and painted them with glue and glittered them. They look a lot nicer then I thought they would turn out even. Having something to do with my hands when I not busy helps me avoid eating. It also helps when I eat a small snack and then wait to see if I feel full before I eat again. So far this combination has been working well. I am also really motivated to lose weight this time around.

How am I doing at my diet? Today for breakfast I had refried beans, a Carb Balance tortilla, salsa, light sour cream and Tapatio sauce. This was fine for me, I don't really mind having left overs for breakfast.

I had a zero calorie Fresca and a pear for a snack.

For lunch I had a whole can of light chicken and dumpling soup, I added Tapatio for spice, kinda good kinda weird.

I had a string cheese and sugar free hot cocoa in 1% milk for my snack, since my partner is getting home late from work.

For dinner we are having spicy tomato sauce with sardines, on whole wheat buns, with cheese on top. As well as some kind of salad.

This sounds like a lot, and really, it did feel like I had enough food all day. Just making better choices, and making sure my portions are small.
Yay!

Worked out on a weekend!

My partner and I went to the gym in our apartment complex this afternoon! That means I worked out on a weekend for the first time in months. About twenty minutes of weight lifting, we take turns so we can rest in between sets. We focused on arms and chest. Then twenty minutes on the elliptical machine.

For dinner I am making a recipe I found last week but didn't cook. Quinoa, with sweet potato, mushrooms, caramelized onions and pecans. Sounds good! I am making a whole salad and then dividing it in half, which is only 372 calories each. It should make a lot of salad too. This isn't enough calories for my dinner, so we are having some left over chicken sausages from earlier this week too. So that's a fancy dinner for the weekend!

Fall Goal - Update

I never posted my originals for this fall goal I have set.

I weigh 229. My measurements are probably the same as they were.
Waist 40 inches
Hips 50 inches
Bust 45 inches

I have been counting calories and finally decided how many I should be eating to lose weight. I compared a few websites and a few different methods of doing this. As far as I can tell I have to eat around 2150 to 2240 calories a day to maintain the weight I am at. I didn't think I was eating this many calories every day, I am sure I was at family functions and when we eat out though. At my goal weight I will be eating around 1850-1950 calories per day. I have been counting calories and shooting for 1900 a day to start with. I haven't been feeling deprived. I read a convincing argument that you should be eating around 20% fewer calories then your maintenance requirement to lose weight. For me this would be around 1720.  I think I will go ahead and cut back to this amount. I do want to see some results right away. It is also not too few calories, it is not an unhealthy amount. If I start working out regularly and that doesn't feel like enough calories I will add a few more back in.

It's 4pm and I have 700 calories left for today. I can do that.

Hard Goal

I have been doing so much better. I have been pushing my body, doing activities I didn't use to do. Or things I wasn't sure I could do. I enjoy working out when I make time for it. My partner and I just went camping, with some short hikes and some kayaking involved. It was a workout, it was a fun challenge, and it was good for me.
I don't feel like a fat person most of the time. I think this has contributed to my sort of lackadaisical approach to losing weight. I want to take it seriously, but I have not been able to. I am eating better, and working out more. But I am still eating too many calories to lose weight.

So I need a hard and fast goal. I am going to lose 20 pounds by Thanksgiving. Eight weeks will fly by. Real weigh ins, that I have to post. Counting calories every day.

What will I do with all that time I am not going to spend eating?

I am also going to spend four hours a day, six days a week, applying for jobs. I am coming up on four months without a job. Instead of letting this make me feel worse, I am going to use it to motivate myself. Alright, it's an adventure!

Counting Calories

Counting calories is a hassle! This is true. It takes some patience to sit down and do it. It also takes some practice. At first I have to measure everything, I can't eyeball anything. I also have to make precise portions, and divide them out, so that I know how many calories are in each portion.

Tonight we are having macaroni salad and buffalo chicken strips. And salad. We mostly have salad to fill out a meal, we both like it alright, but is is just salad from a bag lately. I know this isn't the healthiest dinner, but it is okay. I will have to figure out have many calories it is before I know how much I can have, and whether or not the calories were worth it.

1/2 package whole wheat elbow macaroni: 735 (whoa! loads of calories, but they have a LOT of fiber too, so that is at least okay) (Also, to be honest I was chewing up little handfuls of pasta while I was preparing this. Now I have to count those calories into my day too! Sheesh)!
1/2 cup of light mayo: 280 calories
2 Tbs black olives: 25 calories
1 tea mustard: 0 calories
salt and pepper: 0 calories, but being aware of the negatives of salt
2 Tbs yellow onion: hard to tell actually, and 10 or 20
couple of dill pickles: 0 calories, but again with the salt

Tada! It has a total of 1050 calories. I had some with lunch and some with dinner, so I ate 525 worth of pasta salad calories today. I am trying to have around 2000 calories a day. So this amount of calories is fine. I should probably have more calories in the fruit and veggie arena, but it's okay for now. Small steps!

I won't go into the details of counting the calories for the rest of dinner, but it mostly goes like this.

Tips  -  Things that help me keep counting calories even though I think it is boring

Don't throw away the packages! I often open up something and toss or recycle the package right away, and then have to dig it out later to find out how many calories it has.

Measure everything. Like I wrote above, I was eating little bits of pasta as I cooked. These little bites really do add up. Also, if you are doing all this boring stupid work it might as well be accurate.

Count calories in drinks! Beer and wine have calories, don't forget them.

Write down the calories right away, you won't want to go back later and add them all up again. It is time consuming and boring!

Healthy today

Alright BLOG! I can feel you there, in the background, on the internet, waiting for me. Creepy blog thing. I like writing, I like the idea of writing in a blog. I like the idea that in a year when I am skinny and healthy I will be able to look back at all the things I did to get there.
But lately you make me feel weird. You are a reminder that I am not taking care of myself. You are a list of my days on which I did not eat healthy or workout. You are creepy and I no longer like visiting you.

So I'm going to workout in the next few hours, and then come back and post on you that I worked out! I already had a healthy breakfast, and packed a healthy lunch. So there.

Stressed Out

Unemployed is stressful. Unemployed and not actually applying for jobs, because you are sad is even worse! Have not been losing weight. Good thing I didn't actually promote this blog just yet! Ugh!
Had four beers tonight at a dinner I hosted for a couple who we are friends with.
Sheesh.

Workouts Can Be Fun

I was out with my partner a few weekends ago. We felt like we had been stuck in the house all weekend. Well, really I felt that way. So I made him take me to a local park. It has gravel trails winding around, and really does feel like a mini hike. As we got out of the car, it felt too hot and I was sweaty. I wasn't wearing workout clothes at all. But I did have comfortable sandals on. I wanted to give up. But instead I kept trying, as I walked I started to feel better. I tried to joke around with my partner, it was important to have fun. Sure enough, after about twenty minutes we came to a hill, and I decided to jog up it.

I think working out can be fun, and it can be part of my everyday life. My partner and I call it recess sometimes, it captures that excitement and freedom that we associated with recess in school. But I am not going to lie and say it is easy. Getting used to moving my body again is hard. Sometimes I feel fat and awkward, sometimes sweaty. But if I can get passed that point, it can be a blast! Being able to move, walk, play and run, is so much fun. I want to have that back in my life. So I better do it.

I also took some photos, a cute heavy girl playing in the woods, it was great.

Why Applying for Jobs is a Weight Loss Tool

I am unemployed right now. This causes me a lot of anxiety and fear, as I am sure it causes most people. These feelings have been overwhelming lately. This has made it easy to stay on the couch. It has made it easy to eat things that I shouldn't. When I feel so afraid, I don't even want to try. I feel like I am going to be a huge disappointment anyways, so why would I even try to lose weight?

One of the only really effective ways to get rid of this fear and anxiety is to actually force myself to apply for jobs. To apply I have to get myself in a certain headspace. I have to pump myself up, talk highly of my skills in my cover letter, and tweak my resume to show that I have not just stopped living since I left my last job. Then I send off the application and I have to at least hope a little bit. This ends up feeling like a huge relief. It may not last long. I may not actually have a shot in hell at getting the job. It may be a crappy job that I don't really want, but think will help my life in some way. But at least I did it, at least I put myself out there.

Then, with a little bit better attitude, I have the resolve to put down the jar of hot fudge sauce.

 I am making a healthy, mostly vegetarian chili for dinner tonight. With light sour cream, avocado and fresh cilantro on top. No corn bread. But it will be yummy and I won't have to worry about how many calories it has.

Inspiration!

I browse Reddit almost every day. I know this may reveal me as a big internet nerd.

Today, right now, the top post is just a bit of inspiration from a woman who lost a lot o weight.

http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/zgtdg/ended_a_miserable_relationship_lost_140_lbs_some/

It is nice when inspiration just whacks you in the face! It can be done. It can be done by real people, in real life, who have to balance all the sames things we do.

Edit: Oh I found that there is a whole subreddit of weight loss photos and stories. Yay! How much fun to see other internet nerds who helped themselves lose weight, it can be so tough.

http://www.reddit.com/r/loseit

Post Family Trip

Took a trip to Eastern Washington to visit some family. Did not gain any weight back! I will start being more diligent in posting. I have been doing some research on what makes a good weight loss blog. I also have been storing up good idea of things I can write about.
I don't want to lose momentum as we move into fall here in Seattle, it will get wet and cloudy. In the past I have had a touch of blues in the winter here. So I am going to work hard to avoid this and keep losing weight, looking for a job, and having a  blast.

More Success!

I normally weigh myself Thursday mornings. This morning I weighed a pound less then I did when I got back from my vacation!
This means my combination of life changes is working! I am losing weight even when I am busy and distracted. Even when I am emotional and struggling with my moods. This is just fantastic news.

I know that I could work harder on my diet. It could still be more balanced. It is hard for us to keep produce fresh, so there are times when we don't eat enough fruits and vegetables. I have gone back to skipping breakfast some days too.

I have been working out more often. I was also active on my vacation, playing on the beach and going for walks. I loved this. I want to keep this up in my every day life, even though we see the summer slipping away here in Seattle.

Vacation Success

I didn't gain any weight on my vacation! I didn't lose any either.
I'm calling it a success.

More posts to come soon.

Vacation

I haven't posted this week, and now I am going on vacation for four days!

Weight loss is going well.
I worked out at the gym one day, and took a mini hike in a local park another day.

I am focusing on how to lose weight while I vacation. We are making our own breakfast and lunch, so that is easy enough. I did buy a few special treats, so it felt like a vacation, these include: diet soda, Canadian bacon, whole wheat English muffins. All of these are healthy, and things I don't normally buy, so I can feel like I get to eat something special on vacation.

I also plan on being physically active. We are going to walk on the beach, play in the pool, my partner and I are taking a morning away from the rest of the family to take a short hike.

So the only challenge is dinner's. The family does group dinners, which are not really weight loss friendly. I will need to focus on portions, and eat what my family has made with love.

We will see.

Weight !

Last week I weighed 229. Honestly, I had gone up a pound.

This week, 226! Three pounds in a week! That means I am doing things right!

Yay!

I noticed that I never post over the weekends. I end up packing in a lot of errands, family time, and video games with my partner. So as far as blogging goes, I need to post more often on the weekends. I also want to comment more on the other great weight loss blogs I read. And push my blog more, I need more readers if I want to inspire more people. Awesome.
It is a beautiful sunny day outside. I am planning on going to Korean food tonight with my partner. I will focus on eating slowly, mostly veggies, skipping the rice (bummer!) and enjoying every bite I take.

Book Review : Eat This Not That

Since I am unemployed I have a lot of time to read. Even when I am employed I read a lot. So I thought I would do book reviews as part of my blog, maybe one or two a month.

My partner and I were wandering through the nonfiction stacks in the local library (this is unfair to some of my readers since our local library system is one of the best in country www.http://www.libraryjournal.com/lj/home/890760-264/library_of_the_year_2011.html.csp, 
www.kcls.org .) Anyway, my partner saw this book and picked it up, Eat This Not That by David Zinczenko. He did read some of it, which was funny. Some of the Not That foods are his favorite, and he doesn't really want to stop eating them.

I loved the dedication of the book, the author points out that chain restaurants spend money lobbying so they do not have to provide nutritional information on their menu. They want to conceal how many calories are in their food. This is a poor choice considering the obesity epidemic in America. Also, since this book was published in 2008 some restaurants have started to include nutritional information, and some have even changed their menu items. I love studying the politics of everything, even chain restaurants!

I believe the author really does want people to read this book and make better choices, and be healthier. Some weight loss books are dogmatic, this does not seem to be. He wants his readers to enjoy life and make smarter choices! Which is exactly what I am trying to do.

I found the book tough to read. It is supposed to be easy, but there are so many numbers after a while I just ended up skimming. This was fine though, since parts of the book are foods I don't normally eat, or restaurants we don't have in the Pacific Northwest. Most of the information was review for me, but there were a few surprises. My partner every once in a while eats at Arby's, since it is right next to his work and he has a hard time waking up early enough to make a lunch. It is actually better for you to eat a Super Roast Beef burger thing, then a "Market Fresh" roast beef sandwich. The sandwich has mayo, Italian sauce, and processed Swiss cheese, which gives it almost twice as many calories, really for no reason.

Some of the suggestions were just not going to fly. I eat a burger so rarely, that there is no way I am leaving off the cheese. Besides, at home we use 2% cheese, which has fewer calories. Perhaps if I am getting burger at a restaurant, I would leave the cheese off, just so I don't set my weight loss back. But sheesh! It is supposed to be a treat! There are also suggestions for Thanksgiving, for example, which include not eating stuffing or dark meat. My family makes a great whole wheat lower fat stuffing, which I will keep on eating.

So really the book made me think again about what my calories are worth. I am not going to stop eating out, my partner and I love eating out. There are also social situations I want to participate in that center around food and eating out. But I need to remember that I am focusing on weight loss. For the next few months or possible a year, I need to give up some foods I consider a treat. I need to pay a restaurant to make me a salad, which I hate doing! It helps to remind myself that there will always be more food. I can take control of my life right now, and skip eating out, or skip the higher calorie option. I can pay for food that is not very fun, because right now that is what I have to do. In the future I can be more flexible, and eat food that is more fun and higher calories.

I am not saying this is easy. I have maintained this weight for so long because I kept making choices that were okay, I didn't gain weight, but I did not lose any. So for now I am making the hard choices, and giving up things I like. But feeling healthier and happier, feeling in control of my life and health, is worth it.

Green Tea and other tricks I use

I hate the idea of dieting! I HATE it! I hate the idea that I can't eat things that I want to eat. I know this is something most people hate. However, I also know that there are plenty of foods I really enjoy that are also low fat or low in calories. So instead of focusing on what I can't eat, I am trying to focus on what I can eat.

I also know that for a while, I will not be able to eat anything I want. There are foods that are way too high in calories for it to be worth it. I need to be honest with myself. I am on a diet, not some crazy diet, but I am trying hard to lose weight, and not just break even. This means eating differently then I have been, since the way I have been eating has kept me at the same weight for three years.

Green tea has the reputation that it can help you lose weight. So I decided to look a peer reviewed journal article that deals with this kind of research. One that was conclusive in mice was found at International Journal of Obesity, titled "Acute effects of epigallocatechin gallate from green tea on oxidation and tissue incorporation of dietary lipids in mice fed a high-fat diet." This study concluded that the mice had more energy, and that in their intestines they did not absorb as many lipids, otherwise known as fats. So maybe it does help you lose weight! But I also found some medical advice that said you have to drink around four cups a day for this to work on a human. I am not going to do that! But I know for me, a cup of hot tea can help me make better food choices. If I want to eat a second helping, or I feel like snacking for emotional reasons, I can drink a cup of tea, feel a bit more satisfied and try to move on. Also, green tea has antioxidants and other benefits.

Other great ideas and foods that help!

• Sugar free hot cocoa
• Veggies! If there are vegetables that you like, stock up on them. This can get expensive, which is really frustrating, it is nice right now that a lot of summer veggies are in season, and less expensive. I like cucumbers, green beans, spinach, eggplant and others.
• Fat free refried beans. These have less calories than ground beef, and are better for you then red meat, but are really meaty feeling when you eat them.
• Low fat pudding cups, anything pre-portioned is great. Though I do have qualms about how much plastic we buy and bring into the house
• Spices!!!! I love spicy food. 

Graph, you say?

I mentioned that I have a graph I measure my weight loss on, I thought I would share it. It is a simple, visual tool. And anything on graph paper is sexier.

The pink dots are me, and the blue dots are my partner's dots

See, every Thursday we weigh ourselves. My goal weight is at the bottom, his goal weight is not that low

These are the two weeks so far, obviously I have lost a pound a week, my partner has lost a lot more. What are you gunna do? Guys lose weight easier then women do. Ugh!

Slow start? or How much weight should I be losing at once?

My partner and I bought a scale. We own a scale and it sits in our bathroom. Ugh! 

My sister inspired me to focus on my weight loss. She has lost over 100 pounds on Weight Watchers. She looks amazing. I know that one thing Weight Watchers focuses on is  losing  a consistent amount of weight over a long period of time. My sister actually got a "ticket" for going too fast, and losing too much weight too quickly. Now, she is a busy 25 year old woman, so her group leader told her that it didn't really matter. Occasionally losing weight fast is okay, especially for her. But in general "they" (the nutritionists and researchers in weight loss areas) have found that if you lose weight more slowly you will keep it off longer. 

I think this raises a question of causality. If you lose weight slowly, it usually means you have changed your lifestyle. Where if you lose weight quickly you may be doing a crash diet or diet pill, or some such thing. 

Obviously along these lines I would like to lose weight and keep it off. I would also like to lose some weight now so that it shows and I feel great! The women I know who did Weight Watchers lost 2-4 pounds a week for the first few weeks. Once I started writing this I realized that in the back of my mind that was my goal as well. Honestly, it is not happening. 

I have a graph in the bedroom that I am marking my and my partner's weight loss on. In the past two weeks I have lost one pound a week. 1 pound!? WTF?!

I told my partner "So it will only take 80 weeks to lose all the weight," I was being sarcastic, obviously, I thought. His response, "Great honey!"    Seriously!? 80 weeks is a year and a half! 

I really want to lose the weight in less than an year and half. Or at least get a good 20 pound head start. 

I think this goes to show how supportive my partner is. :0) 

It also raises the question of expectations and goals. My goals are to blog more, eat better, move more. They are all lifestyle things. I have a goal weight, but not a goal time period. That seemed like too much pressure. But the changes I have made are not getting me where I want to go fast enough. 

I don't have answers right now. I will try a few more weeks and see what happens. I have room for improvement in just what I have been attempting. I can work out more days of the week. I can eat better still, there are still days where my choices are a bit dubious. Then I can decide if maybe I need to put more pressure on myself for results in a certain time table. 

Sunny Days

It is beautiful in Seattle again today!

My partner and I are going to walk tonight. If I walk hard enough I get some exercise. Mostly it is just to get out of the house and do something fun.

I am struggling with not eating enough. I skipped breakfast today again. Being home all day actually makes it harder to eat smaller meals more often. I need to put more structure in my day, and this includes real meal times.

I know everyone has told you that breakfast is important, but a lot of people my age still skip it. Or they eat something that does not kick off their metabolism in a good way, like sugary cereal. Here is a good explanation of why breakfast is important from WebMD (not the best website, but it was actually hard to find something with a complete explanation, not just folk wisdom.)

http://www.webmd.com/diet/features/many-benefits-breakfast

Start weight and measurements

It's a beautiful sunny day in Seattle, but I am stuck inside. I have put off cleaning the house again, and it is a wreck! I cleaned really well last week, so it isn't really dirty. But it is a huge mess. I am a terrible stay at home partner (wife!) I hate being stuck in the house all day. I hate trying to tidy up by myself. When I was working my partner and I would do really fast clean ups together, and catch up on our days. Now I have to do it by myself and it so boring!

So then lets talk about the benefits of cleaning house. If I keep the fridge clean it feels a lot better to get food out of it. I also know what I have to cook with, and I know that none of my ingredients have gone bad. If I keep the kitchen and dishes clean then I am more motivated to cook and eat, not get take out or go out for dinner. If my clean clothes are folded and put away I can find cute outfits, that make me feel happier, and when I am happier and look nice I don't binge eat as often.

Also, I can burn calories! According to FitDay.com I would burn 192 calories if I clean my house for an hour. I browsed around the internet and found estimates from 75 calories an hour, to 240. So any way I look at it, it's good for me!

I wanted to find a picture of what I look like now, as I start trying harder to lose weight. But I could not find a recent picture of my whole body, just these head shots. Or I found a few but they have other people in them, who I am not sure want to be featured on my blog. So this is a funny picture of me at the beach with frizzy hair from the ferry ride.

Today I weigh 229 pounds. (Scary!)
Waist 40 inches
Hips 50 inches
Bust 45 inches

I did these measurements on myself, so they may not be super accurate. But as long as I keep doing them the same way, I can measure the change, which is what I really want to know.

So, off to burning calories cleaning!

People Read This?

I mentioned I blog here in passing the other day, and a friend or two of mine was very supportive and excited. This means I actually need to blog.

I have been working on my diet, and grocery shopping both to stick to a budget and get healthy food I like. So I am going to take a leap and start actually trying to lose weight, instead of hoping that my better habits will result in weight loss (they have, but only barely.) This means writing about it on my blog. This is actually a very scary prospect. If I say I am going to lose weight and then I am unsuccessful I will feel embarrassed and very disappointed. But if I don't commit to losing weight in a measurable way, I don't think I ever will.

So here goes! I will write again tomorrow.

Great read

The blog that inspired this blog has a great post up about why counting calories is a better way to approach weight loss then going on a super restrictive diet. He has the weight loss to back up what he says, it is inspiring for me, and hopefully for others as well, check it out,

http://www.344pounds.com/

Setting goals

Changes in my personal life have made it hard to blog and focus on weight loss. BUT! I am going to overcome this by setting firm goals. I have blogged before about the importance of long term and short term goals. Goals can keep you on the path to weight loss, making short term goals that are achievable is important. So I have decided to get more serious about blogging, that means I need to have some goals I can work toward, and tell you all how the process is going. These are hard and fast goals now. Weight loss is not an impossible challenge for me, I know that when I try I can lose weight (last time I put some effort in, I lost five pounds in two weeks) but keeping myself on the path is what has been hard.

Short term goals!

1) Calorie counting.
           I am doing much better at eating the right portions, eating smaller amounts more often, and making healthy choices. Now I am going to see how many calories are really in the food I am eating, and what changes I can make to my diet so that it is even healthier.

2) Go to the gym twice a week.
           I know this doesn't sound like much, but I haven't been going to the gym much at all. So I am going to commit to the gym twice a week. But, I am also going to move around the rest of the week, playing basketball, swimming at our pool, walking with my boyfriend, and stretching in the morning.

3) Enjoy food more
           I have talked before about how cooking makes me feel better connected to my food, and is fun. So I am going to focus on preparing my own food, and enjoying the process. Eating slowly, and making sure I am enjoying the chance to relax and have a meal with my family or friends.

swimming

Playing is good exercise! I played with my partner's nephew in the pool at our apartment complex for an hour. I swam a few pathetic laps also. It was amazing how much it wore me out. I don't work out enough, and am out of shape. Using all my big leg, back and shoulder muscles to swim felt great, and gave me a little workout.
Working out at the gym, or going for a job, is great exercise and is important. But including more play in my life is a way to stay fit for the rest of my life.

what to drink at the brew pup

Despite what has been going on, I had plans to go see some friends tonight at a local brew pup. I grew up and came of age in Seattle, so I love local beer, it's practically a rule here. So besides watching what I eat, I need to watch what I drink. This meant doing a little research, since beer doesn't list calories on the bottle (or can).

A Blue Moon has 164. Guinness has 128. Red Hook ESB has 179. Pyramid Hefeweizen has 170. Miller Lite 96.  Anyways, that is just a sample, it is worth thinking about.

Beer is also really high in carbohydrates, if you are trying to cut back on carbs it is important to remember that.

There is also some research that suggests darker beers have more health benefits than lighter beer, similar to how red wine has more flavonoids (which are supposed to have more antioxidants) and is better for you then white.

The best attitude for me is to think of beer as a treat. It's okay if I am eating well to have a beer a few times a week. Besides, the health benefits of spending time with my friends is invaluable.

I'm Sorry Blog

I had fallen off the wagon. Work has been very stressful. Then I had a holiday stay-cation with my partner, then my Grandma died, and then I left my job.
So ugh!
Considering what is going on I am happy with how my weight loss efforts have gone. I have not gained any weight, and I have been thinking about it a lot. I have not put in enough effort in losing weight. I had nights when I ate poorly, but still not as poorly as in the past.

I will tackle these challenges. I need to make my priority finding a new job. But this does free me up for more cooking at home, and working out. Penny pinching is good for weight loss, I think, I will find out. 

Sorry for the Break

Tanner and I had a big party on Saturday. Then my work week started. I got off track!!!

I didn't mind eating some fatty foods at the party. But I ate left overs for a few days after that too. Which means I was not journaling or thinking enough about food, so I was not blogging either.

So I need to get back on track.

I went grocery shopping this morning, lots of fruits and veggies. Lots of low fat cheeses. Taking control of what is in my house and what I decide to cook is a good way for me to take more control of what I eat. I also plan on buying a basketball so Tanner and I can have some fun workouts this week.

Party Prep!

Things have been crazy around here getting ready for our party. We are having a House Warming, Anniversary, Cinco de Mayo party. This is good because it motivated us to get the apartment in good shape. Tanner has not finished unpacking, so there are some boxes in his half of the room. But we have rugs on the floor, some art we made on the wall, and the place is going to be very clean. I think losing weight is easier when your space is organized. Everyone has a different level of organization they are comfortable with. But getting your space organized can help your mind and you life be more organized. It can also be a reflection of how you feel, if you feel like your life is unorganized, it may be time to reflect on how you feel and how well you are taking care of yourself.

I tried a new Korean dish last night. I have all the ingredients for Korean soft tofu soup that I LOVE so much. So I looked up a recipe for Bulgogi, and sure enough I have all the sauces and things I needed. It turned out so delicious. It is great that I can cook these dishes that we like at home. I can better control how many calories are in the food, and how much we spend on it.

Also, getting ready for a party burns calories! I went up and down the stairs tons of times yesterday, doing laundry, taking out recycling and bringing in things from the car. Cleaning house also burns calories if you work hard at it. I plan on scrubbing out the bathtub, and doing some sweeping, and even getting on my hands and knees to mop, mostly because we don't have a real mop.

This blog needs more fun photos and crazy posts! I know.

I will also start doing posts on my measurments, weight loss numbers, and calories and things. So we can see if all of these motivational talks are having a real effect.

Out at Bars

I went out on Sunday night with some girlfriends. It was a wonderful time. One of my close friend's birthday is today. So I ordered a round of appetizers. Bar food is not known for being healthy. I couldn't have more then two beers since I was driving us home. I could however, eat as much as I wanted. So how did I do? I have been blogging about weight loss and will power, but when I was tested how did I do?!

I did okay. I ordered the hummus plate, which had pita, feta, cucumber and olives. I also ordered the "bowl of chips" with dip. This was HUGE! They were real thick cut potato chips too. I decided not to worry about eating bar food with my girlfriends. What I focused on was eating slowly. I had a portion of food, and then rested and chatted. Even though I really wanted to keep eating. I kept my composure. But having said that, I did eat slowly for a while, and they are high calorie foods. Today I had a healthy food day, and I plan on eating healthy for a few more days, as a way of making it up to myself.

This is a tip I always hated, trying to eat slower. Either put your fork down, or take a deep breath, or a drink of water, something to slow you down. I hated hearing that! I do eat fast. But you know what? I do feel better and I do eat less when I follow this tip. So I will keep trying it out.

Tanner and I are super busy getting the apartment ready for our big party. So I will post something more interesting tomorrow.

5# is a good start

Lost five pounds in the last two weeks, that is a good enough start for me! Imagine how much I would lose if I really put my mind to it, and was more consistent!

Offbeat Weight Loss Tools

Art! I read a book once that really inspired me called Our Lady of Weight Loss: Miraculous and Motivational Musings from the Patron Saint of Permanent Fat Removal by Janice Taylor (check it out from the library or support a local book store if you buy it). One idea from the book that really stuck with me was the idea that one way to support yourself and your weight loss is by pursing your creative interests. Keeping your hands busy will help you eat less. Also being creative can help you work through issues that may be leading you to emotional eating. Right now I am helping myself eat less by working on getting the apartment put together. I also love sewing and quilting.

Cooking! Cooking is a great way to lose weight. If I spend the time to prepare a meal I feel a lot of pride when I serve it. This also helps remind me what healthy portions look like, since I am the person who put the portions together. My partner and I both love spicy food, cooking is a great way to make spicy food and still control the amount of oil and fats that were used.

Clothes! I don't think that this will work for everyone. When I wear cute clothes I feel better, I feel lighter and can recapture some of what it felt like to enjoy my body when it was skinny. I can't afford clothes shopping very often. But a new top that I like can change my day when I wear it, and help me eat better and move more. The actual process of clothes shopping when you are overweight can be really painful. Things fit oddly or don't fit at all. It's important not to let that lead to emotional eating in the temptation filled mall.

On another note, I have a doctors appointment today, to follow up on one that I had about two weeks ago. So I can weigh myself and see if I have lost any weight. I don't actually own a scale right now, and am only weighing myself at my mom's house or at the gym, and not very often at that.

willpower

One thing that has helped me lately is making food choices one item at a time. My day today did not go well, but I made healthy choices.

My alarm is on my cell phone, which was on silent this morning, so I woke up with ten minutes before I had to leave the house at 6:45. This meant I didn't have time for breakfast. My partner Tanner made me a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. For lunch at work, which was at 10:30 in the morning, I bought a Smart Ones breakfast sandwich. It was a two pack, so I had the same thing for lunch when I got home at 1:00. After getting Tanner from work we had some shopping to do, which ended up being very stressful. So we got Subway for dinner, I got a Veggie Delight. Overall this was not an ideal food day. I didn't eat enough fruit or vegetables. I don't want to add up the calories, I am still in the high range I am sure. I also know that making time for food in my life will help prevent these kinds of days. I need time to cook food and eat it, so that I can eat things that are more nourishing, and more cost effective. Buying prepared meals from the store or restaurant isn't something I want to do every day.

But! Each time I had to make a choice, I took on its own. I didn't let how my day was going, or not going determine my choice. I didn't let how stressed out or emotional I was determine my choice.  This is something that I have been working on. It took a few weeks of better choices, with a few slips mixed in. Willpower is not something you will wake up with one day. Practicing making good choices starts to build on itself, and you soon begin to feel like you have more willpower.

I do want to add exercise to my weight loss plan, and am planning on adding that to my choices soon.

I am going to work on my food journal now. Creating a few minutes to work on a food journal can be a calming activity, and a time for reflection. Today I can celebrate my better choices, and work on making more time for food in my life.

I got home late last night and wasn't able to post.

So how am I going to lose weight without a program? I am starting with focusing on what I eat. In general I ate pretty healthy. But I know that if I was really eating healthy I would be losing weight. Which means I eat enough calories to keep on the weight. One of my problem areas with food is coming home hungry from work. I often get off of work at 9:30 at night. I get home and eat twice as much dinner as I should. Or worse, I stop and get junk food from the grocery store which is right next to work! I know I am not alone in this kind of behavior either.

So, I do plan on counting calories and looking closer at portions. But for the first two weeks I am going to focus on eating a large breakfast, lunch and a smaller dinner, and including lots of snacks. I don't want to subject you to exactly what I eat every day. I am also going to WRITE IT DOWN.

I know a food journal won't work for everyone, but there are at least a few research studies that show they can increase weight loss success (the media often does a horrible job of covering scientific news and studies, so when possible I always read at least part of the study itself, also I LOVE research, so when I get a reason to browse a peer reviewed scientific journal I will).  One study that got a lot of press http://www.ajpmonline.org/article/S0749-3797(08)00374-7/abstract found that a behavioral approach that included increased physical activity and a food diary contributed to short term weight loss in a variety of groups. So for two weeks I am getting in the habit of using a food journal. Then I will put in the extra effort to count calories.

I know that for me eating better has been a challenge. It takes some effort to pick up the right kinds of foods, especially when I am tired or emotional and just want to eat something easy and comforting. All I can say is that I kept trying, every time it gets a little easier, and I get a little bit more motivated. There is no magic day. You just pick a day to start and start. And even if you fall off the wagon, you keep get back on and try again.

Blog Remodel

I have remodeled the blog a little bit, this is an effort to start fresh. I am going to try again. If you have looked at some old posts you know that I have tried the weight loss "thing" a few times. The idea was to work out and eat right, and blog about it. I began each journey well enough, and ended up doing the same things I had been, that keep my fat, and not blogging any more. I believe that this time it will stick. So I am going to start blogging again! I am very excited.

I know a lot of people empathize with this. It is hard to change your life habits. It is hard to deal with the issues, either emotional or behavioral that keep the weight on. So like quiting smoking, or drinking, a lot of people start a few times before it sticks.

This is the time for me when it sticks. I am going to lose weight, and make a better life for myself all around.

Today is the 9th!

9 days, no working out, oh crap!

But I hosted Sophia's going-away-from-Mud-Bay-party. We only had healthy foods. We had weight watchers approved lasagna cupcakes, sweet potato fries, onigiri (Japanese rice balls, not really healthy, but a little white rice isn't horrible either) and lower fat cupcakes. It was so yummy. I had a really pleasant time. I did think about wanting to have more energy, and not feel self conscious in front of my friends, new and old.

I need to let that thought motivate me.

Measurments

Here is my starting point right now

Weight: 223.8

Bust: 44 in
Waist: 40 in
Pantline: 47 in
Thighs: 50 in
Arms: 13 in

Healthy food today : Oatmeal for breakfast. One cup of coffee. Whole wheat toast with eggs, salsa and cabbage. Tuna salad, fruit and veggies for dinner.
Walking to the bus stop to go to work.
Didn't make time to work out though. I have got to improve upon that.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year!

I have not worked out this year. Four days lost! But my eating habits have improved.

I have been struggling with a lot of feelings. I don't think I am getting depressed. But I am struggling. This makes working out and eating better much harder. I have been laying in bed reading all day today. Which in some ways has been very rewarding, but also did improve my mood or my record so far this year in taking care of myself. I started the final book of The Dark Tower series by Steven King, The Dark Tower. It was just as fantastic, odd and heart wrenching as the first time I read it.

So, if I feel overwhelmed and sad, I need to fake it 'till I make it.

Sorry though, it has made for a really boring blog so far. Tomorrow morning I will post my weight and measurements. A starting place.

Long days and pleasant nights.