I bought a scale!

I will post some numbers in the morning, no one likes to weight themselves in the evening. I did have a healthy food day. Delicious Chinese soup and vaguely Asian pork chops for dinner!

What does it mean to be "stuck"

I sleep in a lot of days. I get up and make my boyfriend's lunch for him to take to work. Then I go lay back down to "read" and fall asleep. Then when I get up I browse the internet, watch TV while I eat lunch, and generally putz around. Then I feel like "why bother to do anything this late in the day?" So I wait for my boyfriend to get home from work. Then I pretend I was fine all day. I make dinner, and put on a nice face.
But just when I get really desperate I will clean for a day, and have friends over. Or a chance to volunteer will come up.
Then it starts over again.
That, my friend, is how  you stay unemployed for over a year.

I have no idea how to get unstuck.

I still haven't purchased a scale yet either.

Ouch!

Hiking!

My friend Sophia got me hiking recently. We went two Fridays this month. Good thing about only being a temp worker!

I don't really like hiking while I am doing it. I hate feeling out of shape, I always have, even when I was at a healthy weight. Hiking feels hard.

There are things I enjoy about it, I am so lucky I live in a really beautiful part of the world. I do love being out in the woods and the foothills of the Cascades. I also love the feeling have after a hike. Feeling fit and warmed up. It puts me in a good mood.

Twin Falls, the view at the end of the hike

The least flattering picture of me ever! But really, I don't want to hold myself back, even if I am out of shape. So hiking makes me red, sweaty and frizzy. It's totally worth it. 

Looking down river

Smaller falls upriver

Part of what this blog means to me, is one day showing other people who feel out of shape or stuck in their lives, that they can make progress too. This hike was about three miles round trip, and an elevation gain of 500 feet. It was still hard for me. I took a lot of breaks. I am not an experienced hiker and have a hard time setting a pace I can stick to. 

I don't know about you. But when I see someone hiking who is not the type of person on the cover of the REI catalog I feel like cheering them on. People who are young, old, over weight or impaired in some say, I think they are brave and fantastic. Never let being heavy hold you back. If you are able to, go for a hike, play a sport or something else that feels good. Go as slow as you need to, while still getting your heart rate up. You will feel better for it. 

Some other tips, (I am not a medical professional, these are just common sense pieces of advice.) 

1. Find someone who will hike with you that you are comfortable with. On my second hike I really did have to stop every five minutes, but my friend didn't mind, and waited up for me. I felt safe, to show how out of shape I was, and supported. It makes a huge difference. 

2. Go slow. It's important to get your heart rate up, and breath heavy. But don't let yourself get dizzy or dehydrated. Don't chose a hike that is so long you won't be able to hike back out again. Start with something that seems so short it's ridiculous, and try that first. 

3. Bring tons of water, for safety. Also bring a snack, it feels so much better to get to have a snack and a break when you reach the halfway point of your hike. 

4. Bring a camera. You can take breaks, catch your breath, and then show off photos to your friends and family later. They want to see you being healthy and happy, even if you are frizzy and red faced!

Frizzy and getting fit!

On Being Unorganized

Okay, I didn't buy a scale yet. I was even at the drug store and I completely forgot! I also forgot bubble bath, which I have been out of for weeks.

My partner and I have been very unorganized the last few weeks. This weekend we have my partners grandmother's funeral to attend, his Bachan (means Granny in Japanese.) His father requested he speak at the funeral on behalf of all her grandchildren. I offered to make onigiri, with shiso wrappings, from my garden. So we both feel a bit stressed, we need to make time to get these things prepared.

On a slightly better note? I was very worried about what to I was going to wear to the service. But I fit into an old black dress that I have. I thought it would be too small, but it's ok. So at least I know I am the same size as I was a few years ago. And I know I will be showing the respect the event deserves by dressing formally and in black.

Also something to think about. The service is followed by a special reception, with all of Bachan's favorite foods. Including sushi, fried chicken, pretzel jello and all kinds of things. Which means I need to eat healthy the rest of the weekend, and focus on having small portions. I don't plan on eating things I don't like, but I do want to have the chance to eat the foods that remind me of my partners family.

Being unorganized does make it hard to lose weight. I end up without certain groceries I want, and it leads to eating out more. So far I have done really well, and we only got Subway sandwiches.

But in psychological ways it doesn't help. Being so unorganized makes it easy to put things off, to not take care of myself, and generally lead to a down mood.

So, something to work on this weekend, after the service that is.

P-Patch (Community Garden)

Seattle has a system of community gardens (or allotments if you are British) called P-Patches. This is because the first patches were set up in a place that was once the Picardo family farm. Picardo Patch eventually became P-Patch.

Here is our P-Patch viewed from the street. There are 60 plots, a tool shed, bee hives, Giving Garden plots, a little picnic area and flower beds in front. Behind the garden is a deep ravine that is undeveloped, so that is why there are so many trees and it doesn't look like it is in the middle of a residential area. 

Getting a P-Patch is something I have wanted to do for a long time. I wanted to try to grow some food. I also just really like weeding, I find it meditative. But since I have been out of work so long, the idea of getting outside more often was also really appealing. I have to say that the whole experience has been just as great as I had hoped it would be. How often can we say that in our lives?

It hasn't cost us very much money, the patch is ours for a small fee. We mostly planted everything from seed, we only purchased starts for cucumbers, peppers and some herbs. We have had salad greens for months, as well as some other produce and fresh herbs. I don't think we saved any money, we still have to buy a lot of our produce from the store.

Adorable label my partner made! We gave some lettuce to a friend recovering from surgery, my partner really put some detail into the label. An example of the beautiful lettuce we have been eating. 

Besides the vegetables from our garden my diet has been hit or miss, so I haven't lost any weight from gardening. But I have been a lot more physically active in some unique ways. A lot of squatting to pull weeds for example. Seattle has had a really nice spring and summer, unusually warm, so being outside has been a pleasure.

I think this photo is from early May. The garden was only just getting started. Behind me are broccoli raab, baby lettuce and some radish tops. The right side is all planted but has not sprouted yet. The left side hadn't been tilled yet. Since then we have also widened the path down the middle, so we can actually use it. 

And of course I got involved in volunteering for the garden. My mother has accused me of volunteering so that I don't have to focus so much on getting a job. At the same time she knows how important it is that I get to interact with new people and push myself to get out of the house. She is right, of course.

I took on a volunteer position when no one else would fill it. I am the Coordinator for the Giving Garden. This is three plots that are used to grow food for local food banks. The city in conjunction with a local non profit, Solid Ground, provides the starts that are grown. This has been mostly a fun experience. At times I was not confident enough to ask for help, or none was given, and it has been really stressful. Trying to get a ton of plants in the ground, where there isn't really enough room. Not knowing if I am doing something wrong, or if other gardeners will end up criticizing me. Or even if what I am doing is going to crowd and eventually kill the plants. Besides putting in plants I also have to follow through, going to harvest food, clean it and take it to the local food bank.

Besides at times feeling overwhelmed, I think taking on this position has been good for me. It forces me to talk to new people, to ask for help, to organize things for the garden community. I feel like I am still contributing, even though I am not working. It helps me remember that I am friendly, approachable, and that I can make myself do scary things. I can also bring it up in job interviews and other situations, to show that despite not working I keep building on my skills and trying to take on new responsibilities. I have also made sure that the way I scheduled it, when I do get a job, I will still be able to keep this position without too much hassle.

Me at a recent event, a volunteer secured a grant we used to purchase new furniture, to make the garden more accessible for the elderly and disabled. So we had a party where we sealed all the new furniture. So this is me chatting with new people. 

So, as far as losing weight. I need to walk to the garden more often, to make it even more of a workout. I have been excited about the vegetables, and need to use this to keep focusing on a healthy diet.

I have been dieting pretty well for almost two weeks. Before that I had a few bad weeks, where I didn't eat very healthy, and had some bad days where I really binged on junk food or cake. But our scale broke! So I'm not sure if I lost weight.

I will buy a scale, if not today then tomorrow, and post something with hard numbers in it.

Random bonus picture 

Blog Archive Hell

According to my blog archive I originally posted in August of 2010, nearly two years ago.

I have started and stopped blogging a few times in the last two years, but I have never actually lost any amount of weight and kept it off.

I noticed this a few weeks ago, and it caused me to have a really rough few days, lots of crying, self criticism and pessimism.  I am ashamed to think about a stranger finding this blog, and putting the numbers all together, and realizing that my weight loss experience has been a failure for so long.

If it was just the weight issue, that would be tough enough.

But I have also been unemployed for a year this month. I have had temp work, so it hasn’t been a continuous year, but pretty close.

It really hurts to admit that I have been fat for five years, and have been unemployed for one year.

It is also really scary. I am so scared I will never lose weight. I am so scared that I will somehow never have a job that I like doing.

I am however, determined to get my life moving. Get a job, lose weight, manage my money, be a good partner, friend and daughter. I can do these things. I have in the past. I can’t stand feeling stuck anymore, so despite how scared I am I need to keep pushing forward.